Homer Erotic
by metallicanirvana
Summary: Homer moves to a new house where he meets Ned Flanders, someone who he gains intense admiration for. Is it friendship or something else he feels? Only time will tell. Homer/Ned


Homer

It had been a long day working at the local bar, it would have been a lot longer if I had not been so drunk. Moe, my boss, was away on holiday so instead of my regular, mundane tasks of mopping vomit and giving life advice to regulars I was also bar tending. It was a lot more stressful than usual.

"Come on Barney, I'll drop you off home." I said as the bar started to clear out. Barney Gumble had been my best friend since college. What a wonderful time that was. I had planned to be a nuclear safety inspector one day and had met Barney in my first year. Little did we know back then one night would change our lives. It was my 21st birthday in our final year. We never had alcohol in the past, but that night ended up being so crazy we found that life was more than about working towards a solid future, more than about wasting our lives reading and studying. It was about stealing food in the cafeteria after breaking in completely wasted, it was about vomiting all over drunk chicks you had seduced while your girlfriends were up all night worrying about where you were and it was about driving off a bridge into a river and then taking a massive piss on the fish you just killed. We knew from that night that God created alcohol for a reason, so you could do stupid things with your friends and become closer sharing private thoughts when you're locked up for the night.

"Do we have to end the party already?" Barney asked.

"What party? It's just been the guys getting drunk and moaning about their lives tonight." I said.

"I know, why don't we go to a night club and get some chicks like the good old days." Barney said with a smirk.

"I really should be getting home to Marge, she's going through that whole getting fat with fetus phrase again."

"It didn't stop you when Marge was pregnant with Bart."

"Yeah but I'm not going out looking for hot chicks to bang, I'm happily married." I said.

"Fine, let's just go get wasted somewhere else then. Just have some fun." Barney always had that special skill of making me do almost anything. In my 25 years of life, nobody had been such an influence on me as Barney Gumble.

I woke up lost and confused, trying to recollect the moments of what had happened. Slowly my eyes gained focus and I realized I was not home. I was in Barney's apartment. Thankfully it was only a short walk down the hallway to my home.

Extremely hungover and barely able to walk, I slowly made it back to my apartment. As I opened the door I saw a distressed Marge, frantically pacing the lounge till her eyes locked onto me.

"Where have you been?" She yelled at me.

"I was out with Barney last night, I'm sorry hun." I said. She walked over to the table, picked up a piece of paper and viciously walked to me.

"Do you know what this is?" She screamed.

"A birthday invitation?" I answered with a question.

"No it's not a birthday invitation you stupid, stupid man. It's an eviction notice."

"Doh!"

"You haven't paid the rent in a month, what's been happening to all the money you been earning when Moe's away on vacation?" That was a good question, the truth was I wasn't earning any extra money at all, in fact I was earning nothing. Marge had no idea I had run a huge tab at Moe's Tavern and all the working I was doing was to pay it off. Maybe I got a drink problem. Oh well, you only live once.

"I been paying bills." I said defensively.

"No you haven't, look here's the power bill, here's the water bill, here's something called the internet bill... I don't even know what that is."

"The internet is a lovely place with lots of naked... oh ummm trees, it helps me relax looking at naked trees and being close to nature hun." Marge suddenly dropped to the couch and started crying hysterically.

"Honey, are you okay? Your eyes are leaking water. They say the human body consists of 70% of water, are you overflowing?"

"No Homer, this is not how I expected life to turn out. Bart just started to walk, we got another baby on the way and we are homeless and broke." Marge said. It hurts me to see her in pain, but there wasn't much I could do... except maybe get a real job.

"Look everything will be fine, remember how you said you wanted to move to the suburbs, well this is the perfect time to do it. Rent is going down now thanks to that Nuclear Power Plant they are building." I said.

"We can't even afford this place, how in the world are we going to afford to live in the suburbs?" Marge asked.

"Don't worry, I'll figure out a way. I have to go to work, but I'll figure it out babe." I reassured her. I walked out of the apartment and realized I hadn't eaten. I went down to the Krusty Krab, a krusty burger knock-off run by deformed mutants. One waiter looked like a sponge and the owner I swear is a crab. Regardless, they served the best breakfast in all of Springfield.

At had been a sober day at work where I was more occupied looking through the real estate section of the newspaper than paying attention to what was happening around me.

"What's the matter Homer? You seem kind of depressed." Barney said, he was the only at the bar. It was only 12pm, Barney was lucky to be so carefree and rich. He had inherited $3 million after a rich, childless uncle had passed.

"I need a new place to stay, we got evicted." I said.

"Oh, well you always got a place to stay at mine." Barney said.

"With Bart, I don't think so. Soon we going to have another child and I got no money to even afford a place. I told Marge we will live in the suburbs but I don't even have any cash."

"Look, you have done so much for me in the past... I'll help you find a place, and I'll given pay rent till you get yourself sorted." Barney said.

"Oh you don't have to do that."

"I do, I can't let my best friend live on the streets with his family." Barney said.

"Thanks Barney, your a good friend."

We had been looking for a whole week, if we didn't find a house tonight we would be forced to sleep in a motel. All the houses in our price range were horrible and hardly big enough for a family of four. 742 Evergreen terrace was the last house on the list, if this house wasn't good enough then we would have no choice but to go to a hotel.

"Well, this house has been reduced due to the last family being... well umm, that's not important." The real estate agent said as she walked passed a chalk outline of 3 people.

"Look Marge, the last family must have been artists." I said.

"Yeah, too bad that's pretty poor art Homie." Marge said.

"I know, maybe they left some paintings or something up in the attic." I said excitedly.

"Oh, well you can't go into the attic right now." The agent said. We looked around, it was perfect. 3 bedrooms, good sized lounge and kitchen and the house was fully furnished.

"Didn't the old family take all their old possessions? There are still photos of them in the living room." I asked.

"Oh no, well you see... they umm... won the lottery, so they decided to buy everything brand new when they moved."

"Makes sense. Let's check out the backyard." Marge said as we walked out of the living room. My God, the backyard was huge.

"This will be perfect for Bart to play in. This place looks big enough to hold an Indian wedding filled with elephants, where two people are forced to marry out of prior arrangement and will end up having 8 children due to Indians being poor with contraception." I said.

"Homer Jay Simpson!" Marge said angrily.

"What? You know Indian weddings always have elephants." I said in defence.

"Hey-Diddly-Ho!" A man on the other side of the fence said. He was average height, albeit rather stocky, and wore nerdy glasses hiding warm brown eyes.

"Did you just call my wife a hoe you bastard?" I said walking towards the fence with my fists up in rage.

"Oh dear no, I apologize it's just how I greet people. My name is Ned Flanders. I would be your neighbourino if you decided to move here."

"I don't want a burito!"

"Neither do I sir, that's the devil's food. I only eat good, christian food."

"What about devil's cake?"

"Oh no, that's way too evil." He says as he walks away.

"What a strange man." Marge said.

"Yeah, why can't we have neighbors like Wilson from home improvement? I have a lot of problems Marge... they can probably go away with some Aristotle." That night we decided to go stay at a motel, and while the mayor was busy having sex with some hooker I pondered what would happen now. I already got one boy, with another child on the way and right now am so broke I have to ask my best friend to pay for my motel bill. I hope he doesn't mind that I drank some of those tiny alcohol bottles that are ridiculously overpriced.


End file.
